Friday 23 October 2015

David Foster Wallace: "Everybody worships"

In the day-to day trenches of adult life, there is actually no such thing as atheism. There is no such thing as not worshipping. Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship. And the compelling reason for maybe choosing some sort of god or spiritual-type thing to worship -- be it JC or Allah, be it YHWH or the Wiccan Mother Goddess, or the Four Noble Truths, or some inviolable set of ethical principles -- is that pretty much anything else you worship will eat you alive. If you worship money and things, if they are where you tap real meaning in life, then you will never have enough, never feel you have enough. It's the truth.
 Worship your body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly. And when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally grieve you. On one level, we all know this stuff already. It's been codified as myths, proverbs, clichés, epigrams, parables; the skeleton of every great story. The whole trick is keeping the truth up front in daily consciousness.
 Worship power, you will end up feeling weak and afraid, and you will need ever more power over others to numb you to your own fear. Worship your intellect, being seen as smart, you will end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of being found out. But the insidious thing about these forms of worship is not that they're evil or sinful, it's that they're unconscious. They are default settings.
 They're the kind of worship you just gradually slip into, day after day, getting more and more selective about what you see and how you measure value without ever being fully aware that that's what you're doing.


~David Foster Wallace, This is Water

David Foster Wallace, What does it mean to learn to think?

Learning how to think really means learning how to exercise some control over how and what you think. It means being conscious and aware enough to choose what you pay attention to and to choose how you construct meaning from experience.


~ David Foster Wallace, In the Water

David Foster Wallace: To think is to be just a little less arrogant

There are these two guys sitting together in a bar in the remote Alaskan wilderness. One of the guys is religious, the other is an atheist, and the two are arguing about the existence of God with that special intensity that comes after about the fourth beer. And the atheist says: "Look, it's not like I don't have actual reasons for not believing in God. It's not like I haven't ever experimented with the whole God and prayer thing. Just last month I got caught away from the camp in that terrible blizzard, and I was totally lost and I couldn't see a thing, and it was fifty below, and so I tried it: I fell to my knees in the snow and cried out 'Oh, God, if there is a God, I'm lost in this blizzard, and I'm gonna die if you don't help me.'" And now, in the bar, the religious guy looks at the atheist all puzzled. "Well then you must believe now," he says, "After all, here you are, alive." The atheist just rolls his eyes. "No, man, all that was was a couple Eskimos happened to come wandering by and showed me the way back to camp."
 ……
 there's the whole matter of arrogance. The nonreligious guy is so totally certain in his dismissal of the possibility that the passing Eskimos had anything to do with his prayer for help. True, there are plenty of religious people who seem arrogant and certain of their own interpretations, too. They're probably even more repulsive than atheists, at least to most of us. But religious dogmatists' problem is exactly the same as the story's unbeliever: blind certainty, a close-mindedness that amounts to an imprisonment so total that the prisoner doesn't even know he's locked up.
 The point here is that I think this is one part of what teaching me how to think is really supposed to mean. To be just a little less arrogant. To have just a little critical awareness about myself and my certainties. Because a huge percentage of the stuff that I tend to be automatically certain of is, it turns out, totally wrong and deluded.


~ David Foster Wallace, In the Water

Friday 16 October 2015

Dale Allison: "We all see what we expect to see and want to see"

我一向都很欣賞Dale Allison的坦誠, 佢會更正自己之前寫過的嘢, 亦會對自己本來信奉的嘢提出疑問. 最近喺佢一篇文入面, 見到呢段文字, 是很真實的情況:
Imagine with me a young graduate student in a department of religion. She becomes convinced, let us say, that Albert Schweitzer’s reconstruction of Jesus was close to the truth—or, as the case may be, not close to the truth—because a revered professor, whose arguments she has not the means to rebut, persuades her of this. Once her paradigm about Jesus is in place, a cognitive bias will also be in place. We all see what we expect to see and want to see—like highly prejudicial football fans who always spot more infractions committed by the team they are jeering against than by the team they are cheering for. If we hold a belief, we will notice confirming evidence, especially if we are aware that not everyone agrees with us. Disconfirming evidence, to the contrary, makes us uncomfortable, and so we are more likely to miss, neglect, or critically evaluate it. We do not see things as they are but as we construe them to be. After a period of time, then, one might anticipate that our graduate student will have collected her own evidence for her professor’s belief and become all the more persuaded of its correctness. As soon, moreover, as she communicates her views in public fashion, say by tutoring undergraduates or publishing a paper, she may be set for life—especially as one’s self-perception as an expert, the psychologists tell us, typically enlarges self-confidence. The prospect of embarrassment from publicly admitting error can make it hard to admit error to oneself, to undertake the difficult cognitive task of rearranging data into a new pattern after one has long been looking at an old pattern.
...... 
In my own case, my picture of Jesus was developed long before I much worried about the details of method, and long before I went on record as espousing this or that view of the criteria of authenticity. Moreover, and as one would cynically expect, the method that I developed later led straight to a Jesus congenial to the judgments of my youth. This I find disturbing, and my history cannot be atypical. Surely no one started with method. The implication seems to be that developing and deploying our criteria serve less to help us make truly new discoveries than to help us to confirm inclinations already held in advance.
 Dale C. Allison, Jr., "How to Marginalize the Traditional Criteria of Authenticity," in Handbook for the Study of the Historical Jesus (eds. T. Holmen and S.E. Porter; Leiden: Brill, 2011) 3-30.

Thursday 23 July 2015

Batman: Arkham Knight

 

搬來香港住之後, 都唔係好多時間打機, 最新開始習慣少少時間分配後, 開始有返尐打機的生活. 首先玩埋喺溫哥華買的Order 1886先, 跟住第一隻喺香港買的game就係Batman: Arkham Knight, 出的第一日就放工行去灣仔買, 價格合理啦, 由於唔使俾稅, 仲平過喺溫哥華買少少.

 雖然大家都鍾意Arkham City, 但其實我係覺得第一集Arkham Asylum多尐, 因為故事比較刺激, 有追看性, City就太散了, 太多嘢做, 係一般玩大版圖遊戲的通病, 多嘢玩到都忘記本身故事係講緊乜. 玩Arkham City嗰時, 我skip咗好多side quest, 感覺果然好好多, 主線故事好吸引, 幾個角色都好好睇, 小丑、蝙蝠俠、Poison Ivy、Arkham Knight、Gordon個女, 都係好睇的角色. 玩到故事完結時, 感覺好滿足, 呢隻喺我心中取代咗第一集, 成為我覺得最鍾意的蝙蝠俠game.

 好多人話唔鍾意用蝙蝠車的部份, 我都可以理解o既, 不過又未至於令人難受到頂唔順, 有幾部份其實都覺幾型的, 只係有幾個位會好易死, 的確是瑕疵, 不過可以忍受的. 我玩完Arkham Knight之後, 開返隻Arkham City玩幾嘢, 先發覺畫面原來差好遠! Arkham Knight係整得好靚的, 落雨同飄花瓣的效果都好靚, 最可惜係我而家喺香港部電視好廢, 我覺得直頭係浪費咗隻game.

Monday 22 June 2015

才女魏如萱, 愛情花

原來新陳代謝和相愛也可以有關係,
有的人新陳代謝好, 很快就能忘記分開的痛,
而新陳代謝差的人, 只好慢慢的, 等著痛慢慢褪色.

下次有人問我喜歡什麼花?
我要回答身體上的瘀血, 因為瘀青也是一種花.

他不再送我花, 是因為他留了一個
到現在都沒有好的瘀青花在我心裡的深處.

~言花

Friday 22 May 2015

Tomorrowland



聽過幾個朋友話麻麻, 卒之放工之前, 都係同Vera去睇了, 周末出街拍下拖, 同埋都因為總覺得Brad Bird的戲會有返咁上下, 應該值得去戲院睇. 結果我也覺得只是一般, 故事不差, 暗地裡想表達多少深度, 不過由頭到尾都沒有寫得很好的對白輔助, 再加上不斷穿插明顯係俾細路仔睇的段落同畫面, 例如硬sell廸士尼機動遊戲, 壞人說教式小渠地球人不懂愛護天父世界, 用低B寓言嚟講述故事的中心主題等等, 不時令人覺得睇睇下有點格格不入的古怪感覺, 一時是成年人電影, 一時又似睇緊教育電視得得B咁. 一係cut晒尐懶有深度的信息, 又或者唔好走去吸引細路, 可能會令氣氛一貫尐. 以前就是覺得Brad Bird的戲拍得好時, 可以連細路卡通片都拍得有多少深度, 今次佢都想做到這點, 但似乎是兩頭不到岸了.

不過最令我失望的, 係齣戲成日鼓勵人 (主要是鼓勵細路仔吧?) 要有想像力, 但係我就覺得個Tomorrowland非常欠缺想像力, 我直頭覺得是交行貨! 既然拍得咁o既主題, 就比多尐想像力, 整個真係令人O嘴的未來世界啦. 而家拍出嚟的這個, 十幾廿年前打Final Fantasy都差不多係咁的樣啦, 挑.

Thursday 14 May 2015

王文華: 有伴很好,幹嘛結婚?

是啊,有伴很好,但幹嘛要結婚?

......最重要的是:你想體會「承諾」的美好與苦澀,那是一種難得的人生經驗。

這輩子你還沒承諾過什麼吧?選科系,沒興趣,可以轉系。選公司,老闆爛,老子不幹了。交朋友,不爽,別聯絡。談戀愛,沒感覺,分手快樂。這一輩子,你還沒感受過:離開,會真正傷害很多人;不想傷害,就要試著解決問題。

婚姻,都在解決問題。談戀愛,只是在「實習」如何解決問題。

婚姻,是一種輕盈的沉重。離婚的手續很簡單,但會影響很多人一輩子。

你說:我當然「解決」過問題!拜託,學校公司朋友那些事,哪算真正的問題?那些問題,有效期限只有一兩年。你解決的方法,只是逃開。

為什麼要去解決問題,因為在過程中,會激發出你身體和心理上,最好和最壞的一面。你可能發現:哇,我愛玩竟會為了孩子提早回家。哇,我溫和但會跟老婆幹架。Surprise你自己,好事或壞事。逼出每一種感覺,甜的或苦的。你像大部份人一樣,既善良也邪惡。走這一趟,你總希望把自己善良和邪惡的潛力都發揮到極致吧。

Saturday 25 April 2015

馬尼拉住喺度

喺馬尼拉住咗一個星期了, 日日都好攰, 工作唔難做, 不過要寫的嘢我真是好討厭, 令我覺得好難過, 不過anyway, 係我自己決定要做的, 都冇得怨.

令我有少少冇咁痛苦的, 係公司安排俾我住嗰度地方很好, 唔係酒店, 係一個樓宇單位. 我相信係公司平時俾尐高層行政佬住的, 不過呢個月可能空咗, 所以安排我住入去.

一入大門就成班人開門, sir前sir後咁, 令我有一刻以為係酒店. 入到去單位就知唔係, 有廳有睡房有廚房, 最重要係有wifi有洗衣機有乾衣機, 地方好大, 裝修得很漂亮.

落機嗰日我就好有mood出去行下, 因為天氣雖然好熱, 不過濕度唔高, 唔算令人好難受. 我估呢個係一個豪宅區, 外面環境都幾靜, 樓下就有好多間餐廳同咖啡店, 過多兩個路口, 就有個好大的商場, 入面有超市有大量餐廳, 超方便.

Tuesday 14 April 2015

喪住香港

其實我係應該承接住之前的blog post, 寫返二月發生過咩事的, 但係搬一搬屋, 生活一切節奏都打亂晒, 將來有機會再寫. 而家首先想講下, 我搬返香港之後的生活係點.

我的時間表係咁的, 由我知道搵到新工, 到真正需要開工, 只有一個月多少少的時間準備, 所以我用咗三個星期準備由溫哥華搬去香港, 喺香港可以hea一個星期, 跟住先開工, 但係開工一個星期後, 我又要飛去馬尼拉一個月training. 飛馬尼拉呢單嘢真係好辛苦, 因為我肯返香港, 都只係因為有得黐冼嘉儀, 可以補償返, 但係馬尼拉沒有冼嘉儀, 我根本就唔想去 sosad.

Anyway, 我喺香港hea的呢個星期, 其中碰巧一嚟就係五日公眾假期, 每日都同女朋友由朝對到晚, 有很多相處的機會, 真係好開心, 尤其是大家都知道係通過許多努力, 先成功爭取返來的相處時光, 就更加珍惜, 令我很感覺到, 搬來香港雖然真係冇樣好, 不過係很正確的決定, 因為我需要喺呢度先找到快樂. 佢嚟接我機嗰日, 喺facebook咁寫:

"一個自小就已經移民的男子, 主動地離開生活舒適的溫哥華, 放棄滿意的工作, 與家人分開, 搬回香港, 為了我倆可以在一起... 無一個男人好似佢為我付出咁多! 我覺得好被愛, 好幸福! 其實由佢同家人講, 到開始搵香港的工作, 到離職, 我們一直倒數著, 雖然我理性知道的真的, 但始終都有點虛幻, 但... 現在... 我覺得很實在!"

經過呢個幾星期喺香港的一起相處, 我更確定我地應該喺埋一齊, 我好開心搬返香港呢個決定能夠為佢帶來快樂, 好高興佢視我為最錫佢的人. 我o既爭勝心很弱, 對所有要贏的嘢都冇乜興趣, 贏又得輸又得, 搞到人地都冇癮同我玩. 不過我很想成為對佢最好的人, 呢件事我想做第一名.

好啦, 過幾日就出發去馬尼拉, 又要同佢分開一個月了. 唉, 好辛苦, 不過距離同佢唔使再分開的日子, 愈來愈近了.

Thursday 26 March 2015

今年一月

可能剛剛經歷完,亦有可能係事實,總之當我1月1日搭飛機返到溫哥華後,真係好覺得成世人都未咁開心過,係以前拍拖戀愛都未試過有的感覺,所以我很清楚,以後要快樂就必須去佢身邊搵,所以我地的計劃係,我開始搵香港的工,咁就可以搬返去同佢近好多。

我當然唔會適應香港的生活,我而家份工係我好鍾意的,而且都預咗香港的工會低一半人工,不過一想到如果係佢搬來溫哥華的話,咁佢建立咗咁多年的好多友誼,同埋佢都好鍾意的工作都要放棄,咁我都唔想佢咁樣犧牲法,所以我係希望搬嗰個係我。

我地喺香港嗰時,就商量過會公開我地之間的關係。本來我係有點驚訝,因為佢唔似鍾意玩呢尐嘢嗰種女仔,我估係有各樣原因令佢好想咁做,不過我亦好覺得,如果有機會同人分享的話,佢的開心會變得更開心,感染到我都好想公開。所以,向一班我地嘅共同朋友公開咗之後,又post咗張我地一齊睇戲的戲飛,話自己剛剛返過香港,並且有拖拍了。當時不少人指責我偽毒可恥,背叛了毒男身份 sosad,有個FB Page叫《毒撚媒體》,更有撰文報導,寫得很搞笑:
【知名毒撚Howtindog,高調脫毒激發民憤】
網台節目《耶教異聞錄》及《Howtindog channel》主持Howtindog,踏入2015年,忽然高調脫毒,宣告自己在香港已找到女朋友。 Howtindog向來以毒撚形像示人,繼常於臉書張貼陳妍希的照片,甚至不惜為了陳妍希而去玩「神魔之塔」。
但今天Howtindog卻一反常態,貼出一張12月26日戲票照片向廣大網友示威,這張照片意味深長。一來Howtindog長居加拿大,戲票顯示電影為《親愛的,原來是你》(Love, Rosie) ,電影內容與long distance relationship相關;第二,Howtindog似想用這電影暗示,自己女友,有Lily Collins咁靚;第三,戲票顯示日期為2014年12月26日,Boxing day,暗示明顯不過,Howtindog向天下毒撚宣告,自己在去年Boxing Day,有禮物拆!
由於Howtindog溝女後態度囂張,惹起全球十九億毒不滿,多個毒撚組織正研究聯署譴責!坊間更多聲音,指控Howtindog乃偽毒撚,甚至有傳聞Howtindog扮毒呃蝦條,網民正全力展開調查,期望高登作家炮兵團事件,會重演在Howtindog身上,網友如有相關資料,可PM小編。
幾日後,我同阿媽阿妹報告過之後,我地就正式改status,公開我同佢之間戀人的關係,好多人都comment,我相信比較多人係驚訝佢呢隻冇腳的雀仔竟然會公開戀情,多過驚奇我毒男有拖拍。

其實我地最早做朋友嗰時,都係喺 d facebook group 度搭下訕,跟住就發展到喺messenger PM打字傾計,後來係我教佢可以喺messenger錄音講嘢的,到拍拖後,又開始用messenger嚟傾電話,基本上facebook messenger的功能都俾我地用到盡晒 sosad。我都唔記得個話題點出現,不過總之傾傾下,我地都覺得可以今年結婚啦,無必要浪費時間。佢同屋企人講咗,俾佢地揀2015年秋季至出年一月其中一個日子,其實我地鍾意愈早愈好,快尐喺埋一齊,不過最後係揀了出年一月頭。我地好低能地話,咦,第日可以同人講,我地拍咗拖三年先結婚,等同耶穌死咗三日復活一樣的計算方法 sosad。

至於我,首先係同阿妹講,跟住佢幫我約晒全家一齊食飯,我就喺嗰次食飯的時候同佢地講呢個打算。其實我老豆最訝異,因為我甚至未有機會同佢講我有女友,所以佢係一次過接收三個消息:我有女友、我會出年結婚、我會搬返香港 sosad。不過整體都係OK嘅,因為我係好難開心的人,我家人都知,但係佢地都感到我為呢個決定很高興,過程我有錄晒音,俾咗Vera聽。

其實有件事,我一直都有點介意。雖然我之前有幻想過好多次向佢求婚,但真正發生嗰時,其實係我冇咩準備過的,一直都覺得,我應該送隻訂婚戒指俾佢,會係一份有記念價值的禮物,象徵我地2014年最後一個星期過得很快樂,2014年12月31日即將完結嗰刻我地決定結婚,都是很好的回憶。買都唔難,因為都係叫表姐幫忙搵,佢係珠寶行業的人,這件事很容易,不過冇辦法知道佢手指的size。最後我記得,係我臨放工,佢坐車返工嗰時,我直接同佢講,我想知道佢手指的呎吋,因為我好想送隻訂婚戒指俾佢。諗唔到佢好開心,因為冇預計過有,所以呢件事做得很正確,亦很值得。

其實我地分開咗半個月就已經覺得好難頂,同埋佢都覺得應該來見下我家人,因為佢話晒都挖走咗人地個仔 sosad。所以最後決定了,二月農曆新年前嗰段時間歇會過來溫哥華探佢阿姨同埋見我家人。這是一月。

Tuesday 24 March 2015

舊年12月(下)

2014年12月31日亦係我喺香港最後一日,飛機好似喺1AM咁上下離開。朝早起床,佢話同父母講緊佢有拖拍,結果就係大家約埋話不如一齊飲餐茶之類。其實我都有點怕生保,不過既然反映出佢咁認真看待同我的關係,咁當然要勉力霸氣赴會。

飲茶的時間係下午,所以我地先約喺旺角見面,天氣很好,我地喺旺角黐住咁行到去尖沙咀,經過間唔知咩戲院,唔知咩書局,喺麥記坐咗一陣食薯條傾閒計,穿過九龍公園,去到飲茶的地方。飲茶的過程都唔係咁難,佢好多個屋企人都好多嘢講,我只需要坐埋一邊狂食點心,佢亦好知我性格,唔會要我做尐我做不來的嘢。

飲完茶後,就到了準備離開的時候了,我地都好唔捨得對方,將行李寄咗之後,周圍行咗一陣,跟住就搵間冇乜排長龍的餐廳食嘢。我地坐喺比較外圍的位置,外面排隊排到死死下的男女望入嚟就係見到我同佢,不過我地都係好過份地拖住手、玩住手指食嘢 sosad,不過都唔理得咁多,因為大家都唔知幾時先有得再見。

食飯嗰時傾起,有個聽眾對我地很好,我地就喺餐廳一齊同佢message,話佢知我地在拍拖,感覺很開心。食飯食咗幾粒鐘後,就去機場黐住坐埋一堆等夠鐘。唔知係咪因為係新年前夕,我地坐坐下,大家都好唔捨得嗰時,機場突然廣播話大堂就快閂門,我地就拿拿臨走去入閘嗰度,再次進行我地嘅機場道別。攬住嗰時,經過相處的時間,我知道大家都很喜歡對方,亦覺得很適合,我地以前都浪費了許多時間,唔可以再犯同樣的錯誤,所以我地擁抱嗰時,我問佢做我老婆好不好,佢話好,跟住我就走了。

臨上機前,我見佢的facebook咁寫:「2014年最後一星期的快樂補償返整年的不快樂有餘!這樣結束2014年太幸福了!」

我的感受也一樣。事就這樣成了,這是第七日。

Monday 23 March 2015

舊年12月 (中)

27日我地約好去南丫島,之前我可能只去過一次,又或者完全冇去過。延續住之前嗰日的好氣氛,我地唔係男女朋友的關係,不過搭船嗰時,喺南丫島行嗰時,一直都是黐住拖住的,一齊食了豆腐花,行了好多路,後來去到海灘。好在嗰日喺南丫島冇咩人,喺海邊攬住都不會太尷尬。就喺大家擁抱住嗰時,我又再問她,大家一齊好不好,今次佢學乖了,直接話好,佢後來講返,話再答「唔知呢」,我可能又會唔再問 sosad。

我地坐喺沙灘度傾咗好耐計,內容好多都唔記得了,最有印象係佢話,佢曾經有幻想過,有三件事係佢的「死位」,很希望有男仔會對佢做,冇人知係乜嘢,亦好難有人會咁做的,但係最近我就三件事都做/講齊了。但係我真係R爆頭都諗唔起我做過有咩咁特別,佢開估了其中一樣,因為係我剛剛喺船上做過的事,嗰件事係我之前冇做過的。嗰晚我地離開搭巴士嗰時,我又做了一個動作,佢就開估第二個死位就係呢件事。第二呢件事我估唔會有好多人會咁做,但其實係我的習慣,不過我只有喺佢上年11月嚟溫哥華時,先第一次對佢做。這是第三日,我看著嘉儀的一切都甚好。我好開心,因為陪佢過2014年12月27日的是我。

28日佢依然係假日,一齊返完教會崇拜,聽咗堂很爛的道後,佢帶咗我去赤柱,因為好多年之前,當時我地很好朋友,有次佢自己一個去赤柱行,沿途一直同我message住,好好傾,所以佢都帶我去睇下,佢鍾意的地方係點樣的。我地行了一段路,睇咗嗰個很爛的古井,影咗大量相,喺嗰度食完lunch之後,就坐喺海邊傾計同黐埋一舊。不過嗰晚我地唔可以一齊到太夜,因為佢生日正日的習慣就係同屋企人食飯。這是第四日,我看著嘉儀的一切都甚好。

星期一佢要返幾粒鐘工,朝早我好早就醒咗,覺得很掛念,而家我地只見得幾日,所以走咗去佢公司樓下,見少少也好,最終見咗30幾秒,都很開心。跟住佢放工後,我地喺一間我地以前試過一齊食嘢的餐廳食lunch,跟住睇咗齣霍金,然後穿過九龍公園,喺個疑似係碼頭的地方傾計。最搞笑係我地打算走時,諗住攬最後一下就離開,我地攬住,錫下傾下計,有時有尐小朋友跑過我地又笑下,到覺得凍要分開時,突然驚覺已經過咗個幾鐘 sosad,真係好離譜。其實我一直都唔會同人喺街拖手的,攬或錫就更加唔會,因為我會覺得好尷尬,但唔知點解,同佢做這些就覺得很自然。佢話佢都是,以前都唔係咁的,有時係佢唔想,有時係對方唔想,總知都唔係出街會拖手的人。不過其實佢咁講,我有諗,到底係對著咩人,會係佢想拖但對方唔方便?Anyway, 總之,對我自己嚟講,雖然我都幾廿歲,不過是一個新的感受,很意想不到。這是第五日。

星期二剛起床,佢就話同幾個妹報告緊新戀情,佢話大家都好震驚,同想食飯見下我,不過佢都係想二人世界,所以推了。我地早上喺朗豪坊見面,跟住去海洋公園玩到夜晚,大家都相處得很開心。我好憎戶外活動,行來行去,不過同佢一齊就是開心的。這是第六日,我看著嘉儀的一切都甚好。

Tuesday 17 March 2015

舊年12月 (上)

寫完11月的事後,突然好忙,超多嘢搞,所以隔咗咁耐都未有時間寫12月發生過咩事。

是咁的,11月佢走咗之後,大家都有點不捨得,我地都知道對方有點掛住彼此,所以比起佢11月嚟之前,大家接觸又變返多好多,之前有點生疏嘅感覺突然冇晒,好似變返兩三年前大家好好感情的感覺。

其實我而家做呢份工,係舊年七月先開始,我都冇咩假期攞,但係由於我地大客喺聖誕嗰兩個星期唔會開門,所以我地亦休息兩個星期。有一日同佢傾計嗰時,突然覺得好想去見佢,所以就決定用呢個假期去一去香港,得或唔得都要來個了結。大家都為呢個決定好開心,開始倒數一個月後再見,期間我地都保持住很好的關係同氣氛,我地都感覺係好喜歡對方的,雖然係一種不肯定的感覺。我喺香港只有七日時間,由12月25日至12月31日,不過我地覺得,如果係好似之前兩三年咁浪費時間,幾多時間都係浪費,如果係好好珍惜同相處的話,七日都可以足夠的。

我到埗嗰日佢要去教會分享,我到的時候已經夜晚,趕到去親戚屋企沖個涼後,又立即走出去同佢見一面。我地見面之間有成個月,搭飛機嗰時又無聊,所以我地見面時,我想對佢講乜嘢,早就喺腦入面重覆發生過幾百次,我知道我想講咩說話,我知我想問咩問題。但係見面時,我地擁抱了一下,從我地分開嘅嗰一刻接續返落去,跟住就覺得好緊張,地點又有點不對,所以想講的都冇講,一直在傾尐冇乜內容的計,不過送佢去搭的士時,分開前又攬了一下,錫了她面一下,不過據佢後來講返,佢認為係喺「混亂」中唔知點樣錫到的 sosad。這是第一日,當時有點自責,時間已經唔多,仲咁冇用。

第二日係boxing day,我地朝早好似以前咁去The One睇戲,跟住晚上就陪佢去一個唔知咩營,因為佢係講員,舉辦地點好似喺浸會神學院,好似係。我地朝早去睇的係「親愛的,原來是你」,齣戲唔錯,而且有一些喺機場告別的場面。其中有些位佢睇到喊了 (佢係喊包),我好想摸下佢個頭,但最後冇咁做,同之前十一月同佢喺溫哥華睇Interstellar嗰時的情況一樣,完全冇乜何進步 sosad。

跟住我地搭巴士入營,車程都相當遠。已經完全唔記得了,不過唔知點樣,就係巴士上開始拖住了手。落車後,係一個冇乜人的地方,我地擁抱嗰時,我就諗,我一定要而家就講出我打算要講的嘢,因為佢28日生日,佢傳統係希望27日同男朋友過的,所以我當時係好希望喺27日前講清楚這件事。最後擁抱住的時候就講了,佢嘅回答係「唔知呢」,咁我就話下次再問,跟住佢就帶我周圍行下,因為未夠鐘。後來佢又講返,女仔話「唔知呢」,就應該要追問多兩嘢,點知我會咁唔問 sosad。

我地後來去到海邊一個位,喺嗰度我第一次錫了她。當時當然係好sweet,但而家諗返其實好搞笑,因為明明「唔知呢」咗,但都走去錫人,真係好離譜。跟住我地走過去聚會嗰度,跟住回程,一直都是黐住的狀態,很開心。這是第二日。

Sunday 1 March 2015

舊年11月

其實我早就應該將2014年11月的回憶寫出來, 而家都已有點模糊了 sosad.

11月時, Vera來過溫哥華探佢阿姨, 其他人唔覺, 其實我地是很好的朋友, 已經一段好長時間. 不過佢來之前, 都已有一段時間很少聯絡, 已經變到有點生疏. 我地本來是很熟的, 但後來有各種原因, 我地已疏遠了.

長話短說, 佢來了兩個星期, 有些日子我地有見, 有些日子完全冇見, 但最後兩三日係有見的. 其中一日我同聽眾Orgasm同佢慶祝生日, 張相影得好好睇, 但其實我地相處得不太好, 我當時諗, 答應咗陪人就做到結尾, 但態度當然是很hea的那種. 不過尾二嗰日, 夜晚食飯時, 我地突然談得很深入, 回家後又繼續喺facebook messenger傾到差不多天光, 好多很真實的對話, 忽然又回到以前很好感情的感覺.

到了最後一日, 係由我送佢去機場, 零晨一點半的班機. 之前嗰晚, 我地就講定, 離開的時候要hug一下告別, 因為大家都覺得, 應該以後好長一段時間, 都不會再見了. 告別擁抱的時候, 我向佢講咗幾句說話, 佢亦講了一兩句. 其實之前我有很認真地想過, 同另一個女仔拍拖, 應該會開心的, 不過喺嗰短短時間第一次碰觸到佢的時候, 突然發覺我喜歡佢已到一個很高的程度. 當時我就想, 以後見不到了, 可能要絕交了, 但我很喜歡她, 怎麼辦?

我地分開時, 我先見到佢的表情同神態變得很不一樣, 我主觀感覺係, 佢都很不捨得我, 但最後我地都冇乜講其他嘢, 就走了. 返到屋企, 原來佢喺我揸車回家的時候, 打電話去我屋企留了言, 內容唔係好重要, 不過係同平時唔一樣的語氣. 憑她望我的神情, 留言的語氣, 我相信佢的感覺係同我一樣, 即使冇咁強烈, 亦應該相似. 不過, 當時分開的時候, 我地係朋友的關係. 呢個係11月.

記錄2015年

尋晚突然抽起條筋, 開返自己的舊blog嚟睇, 原來2013年我只寫了一次, 2014年心情很差的日子寫了好多, 對當時嚟講係個紓緩, 而家睇返亦覺得係個重要的記錄, 雖然係不好的回憶.

2015年我會做好多大膽的事, 有些已經做了, 這段時間我應該記錄下來, 唔係將來一定會漸漸變得模糊, 最後忘記, 會很可惜. 所以我要開始喺呢度記錄返一些重要的事, 並繼續寫返自己的經歷同心情.

Wednesday 25 February 2015

我係咪就快要死了?

我係咪就快要死了?

尋日個肚唔舒服,出去藥房買成藥嗰時,見有個血壓機,貪得意玩咗一嘢,點知發覺自己血壓很高 sosad,真係金翅仆街鳥。都未確定嘅,因為要長尐時間觀察,不過我都覺自己心肺很弱,好唔健康。

頭先search下,發覺我公司個客教我做的運動,對高血壓係好有幫助,咁就令我更有興趣持續落去。從未試過咁有動力想去跑步,呢種狗衝式運動,真係好適合我呢尐咁冇耐性嘅人。

Friday 20 February 2015

心跳

最近有時感覺自己的心跳有點快,本來我都唔係好留意自己的身體狀況,但呢排又覺得健康都幾重要,所以會刻意感覺下。其實平時我都有做運動的,但由於冇耐性,我都是做尐很重、幾下就做到攰的嗰種運動,練心肺的運動通常要花至少半個鐘時間,我係一向都唔做的。

但而家既然想強健心臟一下,頭先做咗陣research。又碰巧我公司有個客,是打冰上曲棍球的,身體很好,佢頭先教我一個佢自己練過的妙法,就係用盡全力跑20秒,然後行40秒,跟住不斷重覆,直至唔想做為止。佢話只係咁樣做幾嘢,就已經會令心肺功能勁好多。考慮到咁鬼慳時間,我決定聽日起,開始試下這個活動。我見網上也有不少資訊,似乎真是有尐料到,發達喇今次!

Friday 23 January 2015

As Above, So Below



之前比較專注Dragon Age, 而家漸漸回復瘋狂睇戲mode, 死在很多都係爛戲 sosad. 呢齣垃圾, 我唔明點解網上有人話唔錯, 尐人都痴孖筋, 一味以為撐垃圾就叫做有品味. 

首先, 又係尐扮晒found footage的拍攝方法, 大佬呀, 你個主角睇樣得廿零歲, 係個金毛鬈髮靚女, 但故事話佢有兩個PhD, 個型仔男主角坐喺街邊唔使字典可以翻譯亞蘭文...想扮有實感就咪整尐咁o既角色啦, 痴線. 

第二, 齣嘢其實好悶, 故事講佢地唔覺意去到地獄咁滯, 所以有好多怪事恐怖事發生, 但係呢都唔能夠成為藉口, 亂咁隨意搞尐怪事出嚟嚇人囉, 突然喺地底出現架著咗火的車, 你話地獄咩事都可能發生, 係可以, 不過好無厘頭囉, 咁你玩晒佢啦. 

Bottom line: 我咁習慣睇爛戲都差點頂唔順, 睇到一半要去刷牙提下神 sosad.

Sunday 18 January 2015

Fury



雖然喺imdb好高分, 但我就覺得麻麻啫, 坦克戰有尐地方係幾刺激, 不過就僅此而已. 用返導演的前作嚟比較, End of Watch好睇好多, 但呢齣嘢又好過垃圾Sabotage好多倍, 處於唔上唔落的水平.

故事整體冇乜睇頭, 齣戲一開始, 我就估會死剩某一個角色, 最後果然就係死剩佢. 齣嘢嘗試注入尐深度, 但是失敗了. 例如, 有尐鏡頭拍到好暴力咁, 走返條"暴力美學反暴力"的舊路, 但已睇到厭啦. 仲有, 片中間有一段特別的餐桌對峙場面, 都只係一般啫, 感覺似搵戲嚟做, 而且點睇都是性侵犯個女仔的橋段, 佢懶係想美化件事, 有點令人嘔心.

Bottom line: 當一般動作片嚟睇都無妨, 不必抱任何期望, 以戰爭片嚟講, 我認為唔係好得過吳宇森嗰齣Windtalkers好多, 過得一兩年就冇人會記得, 很一般.